PeeWee and the Five Dancing Grand Duchesses
by ainohimeliz
Summary: Pee-Wee Herman's I-Love-That-Story Fairytale Theatre presents a wacky retelling of "Twelve Dancing Princesses" with vampires. A Pee-Wee/Miss Yvonne romance.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: This story contains historical characters, however, artistic licences have been used so that there isn't much historical accuracy. **

Once upon a time, in a kingdom far, far away, there lived a princess who was pretty but not beautiful. Don't get me wrong, she _was_ beautiful, but something was missing so she was known as "Princess Yvonne the pretty-but-not-beautiful". This worried her parents as the kingdom was in the midst of an economic crisis and the princess, being their only child, was their only hope of saving the royal family from bankruptcy by marrying some rich and handsome prince who couldn't even come close to deserving her.

Also in this kingdom, there lived amongst the common folk a handsome, gallant young boy who wasn't rich but had a heart of gold worth more than three kingdoms combined. Being an orphan, he had no idea of his family background or his real name, but because of his impish nature, he earned the name "Pee-Wee" from his fellow citizens.

Anyway, word of the pretty-but-not-beautiful princess reached the ears of the boy. This greatly confused the boy. What could possibly be missing from a princess that her parents couldn't simply buy for her? He was so confused that he climbed the castle walls to get a look at the princess and see for himself.

Staring down from the top of the wall, he immediately noticed her lovely fire-red hair and striking blue eyes which complemented her fine clothes, "There's no question that she's pretty, but alas, the rumors are true. There's something missing. But what is-AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" *ahem* the boy, lost in thought had a great fall straight into the shrubberies below.

At the sight of the boy tangled in branches, the princess did something she had never done before; she burst out laughing. Horrified that she took pleasure in the boys pain she covered her mouth in embarrassment. But the boy would have none of it. "No, please do not hide your face from me, Princess Yvonne! Seeing a smile as beautiful as yours relieves me of my pain."

The princess was flattered but a bit taken aback. "Surely you jest, Boy. For many have said that I am pretty, but not beautiful."

"Anyone who says that has never seen you smile. For when I saw you from the wall above, I saw you were pretty, but when you smiled I saw that you were the truly the most beautiful girl in all the kingdom." And so it was that the boy had discovered what was missing from the princess. The King and Queen were so grateful, that they hired the boy to be their daughter's personal jester. Now some might say this would have been a humiliation to the boy, but he loved his Princess Yvonne so much that nothing was too degrading to make her smile. And the princess, overwhelmed with happiness, loved her jester Pee-Wee more than any stupid prince. It was now impossible for anyone to not notice her.

It didn't take long for news of the princesses new-found beauty spread like wildfire. Kings and Princes frequently visited to discuss marriage negotiations, but the King, fond of his only child, always found something wrong with every suitor. "A perfect princess must be matched with a perfect prince," he said.

I wasn't until Princess Yvonne's seventh birthday that the King heard an offer that intrigued him. It wasn't from a man. It was from a woman, the Countess Elizabeth Bathory to be exact, who had arrived uninvited seemingly out of nowhere.

The Countess, introduced herself as a distant relative from the Kingdom of Hungary. She was widowed, childless and was extremely wealthy. "I have heard of your financial troubles, Your Majesty, and have come to end them. With my riches put to work, neither your people nor your subjects shall ever want for anything. All I ask in return is for your daughter Princess Yvonne to be placed in my ward and be taken to my homeland alone. Under my care, I shall raise her to be more royal than a Princess and fit for marriage to an emperor. She will then be heir to your kingdom, my wealth, and that of her future husband."

The King was pleased, "My gratitude to you, Countess, your generous offer is overwhelming, but my daughter has never been outside our kingdom. It would hurt my heart to send her so far away. However, to deny her the opportunity of a lifetime would be a crime. If my daughter consents, I will grant your request. What do you say, Yvonne?"

The Princess curtsied to the Countess, "My Lady, do not think I am ungrateful, I am flattered by your offer, but if I must go alone and leave behind all that I love, I cannot go. Please, Madame Countess, I am happy here."

The Countess smiled at the girl, "Very well, my child, I would never take you against your will. I shall leave in the early morning. My offer is still open should you change your mind before then." The festivities for the princess' birthday commenced. All the while, the Countess watched the Princess and her Jester like a hawk. At the end of the day, after the princess spoke privately with the Countess, the princess conceded, announcing with a smile to her parents and her jester, that she had changed her mind.

But the jester was unsatisfied, "Princess Yvonne, I know all your smiles better than anyone in the world and I know which ones are sincere and which are not. The smile that you wear today is not sincere. Please, don't go!"

"A jester should know his place," the Countess scoffed at the boy, "your princess is now an Imperial Highness and is too royal to speak to the likes of you. You are forbidden from speaking to her from this day forward."

The next day, Princess Yvonne left with Countess Bathory never to be heard from again. The boy tried in vain to follow them. They had simply disappeared without a trace.

Jester Pee-Wee, refused to give up hope. With the single clue that Princess Yvonne was somewhere in the kingdom of Hungary, he gathered what little belongings he had and swore on his life to find his princess no matter the cost. He knew he had a long way to go with very little means, but he kept searching for her, knowing in his heart that one day his efforts would not be in vain. And that is what he does to this very day.

...To Be Continued


	2. That's What He Said

"That's it. I'm cutting you off." The tavern lady scolded, "Congratulations on being the first customer to reach their limit before having a single drink."

"I like that about me," the young man said as he finished his story.

The lady sighed, "Can I get you anything else?"

"Yes, Reba," he read off her name tag, "The name of this village. I've asked around, but everyone seems to have a cold."

"Čachtice"

"You too, eh? Maybe you should have taken the night off."

The lady stopped for a moment, gave the young man a strange look and turned tail back into the kitchen without another word.

"Was it something I said?" he wondered.

"Definitely", said a voice from behind, "So, Pee-Wee, is it? Does your story have an end to it or is your princess still in another castle?"

The boy turned around to see a sailor in a tattered uniform sitting next to him, "How did you know I was the boy in the story?"

"Call it a hunch," the sailor replied.

The boy was a tad irritated, but still impressed by his new friend's intuition, "So what do they call you, Eavesdropper?"

"It's Carl, and everyone in the bar can hear you, Loudmouth," he took a sip of his drink and continued, "In my all my years as a sailor, I've been to some strange places and heard some interesting stories, but I haven't heard a soul in a thousand miles who'll even mention the name Bathory. It's a name that has been erased from polite conversation. It's best saved for shady places."

Pee-Wee looked around, "This place looks shady enough. Tell me everything you know!"

"Countess Bathory was the most notorious mass murderer ever known. It was said that every night she'd spend hours torturing her servant girls until they died in agony. Then she'd revel in her work by bathing in the victims' blood," Carl noted Pee-Wee's worried look, "But I doubt you have anything to worry about."

Pee-Wee blinked his eyes as if coming out of a trance, "What? Why?"

"First of all, the Countess's victims were always peasant girls; never daughters of the nobility. And second, the legend is three hundred years old. That woman is dead as a doornail. The Countess Bathory you know can't be the same one; a distant relative maybe, but not the infamous Blood Countess," the sailor dipped his hat and turned to leave, "In any case, I've got bigger fish to fry."

"Really," Pee-Wee retorted, "Aren't you a little far from sea, Sailor?"

"I got lost," Carl said rolling his eyes, "Okay, fine, my ship in the Mediterranean was decommissioned and I'm out of work. I looked for a new job, but...nah, you don't want to hear it."

"No, really, I do," Pee-Wee said smiling.

Carl hesitated, but something about the simple sincerity in Pee-Wee's smile made him continue,"It just isn't what I want to do with the rest of my life. I love the sea, but I'm sick of being a crewman. I want to sail out to the horizon to all kinds of exotic places on my very own ship."

"So get your own ship."

"Sure, I'll get my own ship, as easy at that."

"But isn't it?"

"It only is if you have money. Got any to spare?"

"No."

"Neither do I," Carl sat back down, sinking into the chair.

Pee-Wee knew he had struck a chord in his new friend. He had to find a way to lift his spirits up, "Have you ever tried bounty hunting? I think a good listener like yourself could get filthy rich being a narc for the police. Why, I'll bet you could earn 200 pieces of gold this very night with the information floating around this very tavern."

Carl paused for a moment. "You think so, eh?"

Pee-Wee gave Carl a re-assuring smile, "Sure, give it a try. It never hurts to try."

Carl sat for a moment and tuned into the surrounding tables one by one, "Hmmm, prices of Goats milk going up...goats...goats...sex...goats...sex and goats...this is one boring village...wait a minute...sounds like there's some dealing going on at 2 o'clock."

"But it's only 11:30."

"No, behind you...don't look at 'em...there's a boy buying something off a Turk."

"Hey now-"

"Shhh..."

"What are they saying?" Pee-Wee whispered.

"Just shut up and listen!" Carl growled back. Pee-Wee took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Finally, he was able to make out the conversation.

The first voice had to be that of the boy, "Before we go any further, I need to see the item in question."

The other voice was deep and booming. It had to be that of the Turk, "Surely, you understand I cannot just whip something this valuable out."

"I see you aren't interested," The boy sounded unmoved. Clearly he wasn't afraid of offending the dark man.

The turk gave the boy a knowing laugh, "See for yourself."

The boy took the bag and smelled the contents, "100% pure Spanish. 110% illegal in this area. Usually sells for 50 pieces of gold per kilo." The boy smiled and handed the dark man a bag of coins. "My thanks to you."

Carl turned back to Pee-Wee, "I think we have a winner. How shall we go about turning them in?"

Pee-Wee haddn't thought that far. In a moment of shock he shouted out, "DRUG DEALER!"

Carl covered his face as a brawl erupted. It figured that the kid didn't know what he was doing.

Reba ran back into the room to find her tavern in chaos.

Pee-Wee had screwed up, but Carl wasn't about to lose the perp. The Turk had pinned Pee-Wee to the ground. The wind was knocked out of him, but he clumsily pointed to the boy who had weaved his way out of the riot and was sneaking out the door, "Get him!"

Carl ran after the boy into the dark streets, chasing after the alleged juvenile delinquent as fast as his feet could carry him. The boy, however, turned his head around and gave his pursuer a sarcastic grin as if challenging Carl to overtake him.

The boy turned a corner and lead Carl down a dark ally. But Carl wasn't impressed. In a final effort he leaped forward, grabbed the boy by the middle and tackled the boy to the ground.

Carl then looked the boy straight in the face, "For a boy, you're kind of pretty-GAH! Why is this happening when I haven't been to sea for so long?"

To Carl's astonishment, the boy replied by removing his hat revealing long luscious raven black hair and ripping off his coat revealing enough to prove he was actually a she and a very lovely one at that.

With a single glance from her luminous brown eyes, Carl was under her spell. She moved in closer and pressed her lips against his. Her kiss was intoxicating and Carl couldn't help but forget everything else around him. When their lips parted, Carl opened his eyes, but there was nothing but darkness in the empty ally and the girl had vanished as if by magic.

To be continued...


	3. What a dream!

It didn't take Pee-Wee very long to find Carl lying in a daze in the empty ally. "Which way did he go?" he shouted.

"_She_ took the loot and ran," Carl said rubbing his head.

Pee-Wee was a bit shocked, "The boy was a girl? How did you find out?"

"Well, I...that's not important. Where the hell have you been?" Carl demanded.

"Talking to that Turk in the bar. When I told him my story, he gave me this box. What a nice guy!" Pee-Wee held up a large unopened parcel triumphantly.

Carl wasn't impressed. Something that light-weight couldn't have been worth the struggle, "And what about drug dealing?"

Pee-Wee shook his head, "The turk said he's already got his best agent on the case."

Carl groaned, "Great. Now this night was a complete loss."

"No it wasn't. We still got this box. I wonder what's inside?" Pee-Wee mused as he started to untie the strings that held the package closed.

"A box, now we're rich," Carl said doubtfully.

Pee-Wee paused from his struggle with the wrapping, "Okay, Mr. Smarty-Pants, why did you let that girl get away?"

"She, well...that's not important."

"Really? Was she pretty?"

"Gorgeous."

"And the kissing?"

"Electric."

"Gotcha!" Pee-Wee finally opened the parcel, "An old cabinet? That guy ripped me off!" Pee-Wee started to open the cabinet door, "I wish I knew where that little girlfriend or yours was going. Hey wait! I do know where she's going!"

"How?"

"It just popped into my head out of nowhere."

"Sorry I asked."

"Wait here, Carl!" Pee-Wee shouted running away into the night. He didn't really know where he was going, but somehow he knew he was in the right direction.

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pee-Wee must have ran for at least a mile into the dark dense forest. He could see no sign of the girl from the tavern but he wasn't about to turn back. Finally, a tiny light beamed through the trees. Pee-Wee slowed down and approached the light with caution. A few more feet and the light was accompanied by a music box playing in the background. He stopped just short of the source. Not making a sound, he stayed hidden behind the tall trees, closed his eyes and listened:

"It must be thrilling, sneaking into the village dressed as a boy, Dixie. It's so much fun to be naughty. How I envy that rush you must get," said the first voice.

"Real pathetic, Dottie," said a second.

"Now, Susan, let's not be mean," said a third, "But seriously, Dixie, perhaps you should limit your ventures into town. You make us all worry so."

"Forget about it, Yvonne," said a fourth, "I'm a pro."

_Yvonne? Could it be?_ Pee-Wee peaked out from behind the tree at the sound of the name. She had the same blue eyes and fire-red hair, but it was her smile that Pee-Wee recognised in a heartbeat. The years had certainly been good to her.

The next girl popped her head out of the dress that she had been struggling to put on and tossed her black hair back. She stood with the dress sloppily hanging on her petite frame. She must have been changing her clothes. She had to be the girl from the tavern. _Carl was right! She is a girl._

Yvonne helped the raven haired girl with the closure of her dress, "I don't doubt your abilities, Dixie; I just think that, considering the possible consequences for your actions, maybe your efforts aren't worth it."

Dixie just gave her a mischievous grin, "Oh really?" she said gesturing towards her sack which was lying on a table made of a large rock covered with a bed sheet, set with a lantern, several old dented goblets and a bottle of milk. Five smaller boulders topped with pillows surrounded the "table" in place of chairs.

Yvonne seemed intrigued, "Dare I ask what's in your bag?"

A tiny auburn-haired girl who looked significantly younger than the others was playing with a large music box. She darted over to Dixie and Yvonne. She was pulled back by taller girl with brown hair, "Hold on there, Pun'kin, let Big Sister make sure it's safe first." The brunette snatched up the sack that had been lying on the table and peered inside, "Oh-ho-ho, you are a bad, bad girl."

Another girl ran up to the brunette in excitement. She had long blond curls, "You didn't!?"

"Oh, but she did. Ladies, we are in the presence of chocolate." Yvonne announced pulling the brick out of the bag and holding it up triumphantly.

The blond girl threw her arms around Dixie, "Little sister, you are the best."

But Yvonne held her ground as the protective leader of the group, "Dixie, we thank you very much for your generous gift. Now, please, don't venture out again. We have everything we need right here."

The brunette rolled her eyes, "Our own clearing in the forest, we are such lucky ducks."

"Now Susan," Yvonne replied to the brunette, "Do not speak ill of our secret place where we make our own magic. With sisters for company and room to practice our dancing, what else could we be lacking?"

"A man?" Susan provided.

"Why not?" chirped the blond happily, "I wish to dance with a man tonight!"

"Dottie, you know we can't." Yvonne firmly replied to the blond.

Dottie was friendly but serious, "If this is where we can wish for anything, why not wish for a handsome man to dance with under the moonlight."

"Forget it, that wish goes beyond our ability to make our own magic," said Dixie. Her expression gave the impression that she knew how to press Yvonne's buttons.

The one they called 'Pun'kin' frowned. When Yvonne saw the tiny girl's disappointed face she changed her mind, "May it never be! If we wish for it hard enough, we can have anything our hearts desire. Ladies, I request the circle of sisterhood." The girls formed a circle linking their pinkie-fingers at their sides and holding their arms up to the sky. "Oh good fairies that guard this sanctuary, our sacred circle calls out to you. Together we ask you to please send us a handsome prince to dance with tonight. Everyone wish with all your heart!" They closed their eyes in concentration.

As Pee-Wee watched, he couldn't help but wish, "If only Yvonne were thinking of me." Something inside was calling him to make his presence known. He stepped into the clearing, approached Yvonne and placed his hand on her shoulder.

Yvonne turned around startled and let out a muted scream when she saw a the young man standing there. The other girls quickly opened their eyes and froze at the sight.

There was a deep silence. Pee-Wee was so excited, he didn't know what to say. _Think like a prince, Dummy._ he thought to himself. Suddenly, he knew what to do. He bowed to Yvonne, took her hand, and kissed it, "May I have this dance, your imperial highness."

Yvonne turned to her sisters. An echo of giggles erupted from the group of girls as they pushed her forward to accept Pee-Wee's invitation. Yvonne curtsied. Slowly, the couple found their way into closed position.

Susan gave Dixie a knowing jab, "Maestro! The waltz."

Dixie changed the metal disk on the music box and cranked it up to full. Sweet sounding music filled the air. In all Pee-Wee's years of traveling, he had learned to dance, but never had he danced with such a beautiful girl. The pair started to waltz carefully at first, but with a constantly growing confidence that drew the interest of the other girls. They danced along side the couple awaiting their turn.

Dottie was the first to politely cut in, "Share with your sisters, Yvonne," she said as she started to dance with Pee-Wee.

A few measures later, Pee-Wee felt a tug at his pant leg. When he turned around little Pun'kin playfully hopped onto his toes. Her tiny size wasn't going to keep her from having a turn.

Then Susan stepped in, cleared her throat and waited for Pee-Wee to ask her to dance. He pretended not to notice her, but gave in after toying with her for a moment or two.

Dixie didn't waste any time. When her turn came up, she cut in without a word, pushing her older sister out of the way.

Pee-Wee enjoyed dancing with all five girls, but all the while, he wished to dance with Yvonne. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see her dancing along to the music nearby but just out of reach. Was she avoiding him or was she engaging in a game of tag? _They always do play hard to get._ he thought.

When Dixie's turn was finished, Susan turned to Pee-Wee for another turn. Pee-Wee made an accepting gesture, but seizing his opportunity, he made a sharp step-turn and pulled Yvonne close to him. With a feeling of ecstasy, he spun her around in the air and caught her again in a finishing dip. _How I miss that lovely smile of hers._ He thought looking into her eyes.

The music ended. Yvonne's sisters gathered around the couple leaned in as if anticipating a kiss. Noticing the others had stopped dancing to stare, Yvonne's face turned as red as her hair. The opportunity had ended and the other girls groaned in disappointment. It seemed to Pee-Wee that Yvonne had lost her composure for a moment.

Dottie stepped in between the couple with the bottle of milk, "Shall we toast to this wonderful evening?"

Yvonne took the bottle, ran back to the makeshift table and started to fill the dented goblets, "Indeed we must. Sisters, would you be so kind?"

Dottie and Susan handed out the filled goblets one by one while Dixie served everyone a piece of the coveted chocolate. Pun'kin kept Pee-Wee occupied by putting on a little improvisational show for him. Finally, Yvonne approached Pee-Wee with the last two goblets and graciously handed him one.

As if taking a signal from Yvonne, the girls raised their goblets, "To this wonderful night and our honored guest." she said.

"No, to you," Pee-Wee smiled, "The most beautiful Grand Duchess in the world!"

The other girls giggled and they chimed in all at once, "Cheers!"

As if trying to follow protocol, Pee-Wee finished his drink in one gulp, "A very good year."

As the other girls finished their snack, Yvonne lead him to one of the little rock chairs. "Comfortable?"

"Never better." he wasn't lying. This was the best night of his life. He didn't want it to end.

Dixie started the music again. The girls started to dance together. They certainly were beautiful dancers; hypnotic even. They made everything else in the world disappear. All the pains he endured while searching for his princess; all the events that had taken place in the town; all the more productive things he could be doing at the moment; Pee-Wee could feel them floating away into oblivion. With the smile of a sappy, happy dope, he watched the girls as if they had all been caught up in a sea of clouds. Slowly they disappeared from sight as he fell into a deep sleep.

To Be Continued...


End file.
